I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
