Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
