Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
