Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
