U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
