just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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