We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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