Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize