new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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