I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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