Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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