I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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