I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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