wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
