I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
