If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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