from now on my penis is your penis
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
