i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
