I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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