So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
