chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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