my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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