he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
