My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
