I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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