I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
