i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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