Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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