you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
