I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
