I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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