She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
