Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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