anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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