I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize