I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
