I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
