If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
