nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My ass is underappreciated
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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