Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
