my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
he just fucked me for my cheese.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
