Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
