my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
