Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
