I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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