separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize