I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
