between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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