I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
