I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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