: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
