Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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