she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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