Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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