The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
