you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
