why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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