i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
