I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
